


Raise Me Up

by spiralicious



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bingo, M/M, Season/Series 08, Song fic, iPod Shuffle Music Festival Bingo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-10 17:27:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8925925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiralicious/pseuds/spiralicious
Summary: Dean has to make a choice and its killing him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The song I used to this was "Raise Me Up (Mississippi South)" by Lana del Rey.
> 
> This is an alternate version of season eight where they didn't have to save Kevin, thus no trials. 
> 
> Thanks for pinking, Kira.

Dean tilted his head forward, resting his forehead on the shower tiles, letting the hot water stream down his back. He should probably feel guilty or like a whore or something, but he couldn't feel anything. That wasn't true. He felt something. He just couldn't identify it. Sam wasn't going to understand. Sam already didn't understand, but he only knew the half of it. His brother had already given up; Dean could go ahead and give in to whatever this was. He could sort of forgive Sam drifting for all those months, but neither of them had been hunting during that time and the world hadn't fallen apart. They didn't owe anyone anything, not the world, not heaven, not hell. Dean felt he really didn't owe anyone anything, after spending a year in purgatory with no one getting his ass out. Well, besides Benny, and Benny was the problem. 

Dean slid a hand down his body to feel the scars of his inner thigh. He'd crossed a line. They danced around it the whole time he'd been in purgatory. They had both thought it would be easy to let go of whatever it was they were trying not to have once they got topside. It wasn't. Topside it was different. They still needed each other. Dean had needed people before. He still needed Sam, but needing Benny was different. He didn't get it. Here on Earth, the need wasn't life or death, but he still felt like he was dying without it. Benny could read what he needed without saying anything. There was no constant adrenaline clouding everything. They could go slow. Benny took him out of his head, took away the fear and the fight he didn't know he was clinging to. More importantly, it felt good. Dean had forgotten what it had felt like to just feel good. Not to feel self-medicated, not the high of killing something, or a quick anonymous fuck, but to actually genuinely feel good. He was beginning to wonder if he had ever just felt good. 

He let Benny do things he'd never let anyone else do. They weren't kinky things. The sex really was vanilla. It was just... there was never the time or the trust or some hang up in the way and he just couldn't. Benny just opened him up down to his soul. Now that he had that, that he knew it was even possible to have that, he couldn't let it go. He'd fight for it. He'd kill for it. He had to keep it safe. He lied to his brother for it. Logically, there was no reason for that. He shouldn't feel like he had to protect whatever he and Benny were from Sam like an orphaned baby bunny about to be stepped on, but Sam had given him that look. And that was only about just helping Benny. Dean wasn't sure what Sam would do if he knew what else he and Benny did in the dark. Part of him was afraid he'd compare it to Sam and Ruby, and this wasn't that. It wasn't even close to that. And Dean wasn't sure what he would do if Sam did. 

Then they crossed the line. Dean hadn't realized there were still lines left in his life to cross. They had been inching towards it for awhile. He hadn't helped Benny steal blood, but he had donated it himself when he was low. Dean knew it was a bad sign when he started to wonder what was the big difference between drawing it out with a needle or Benny doing it with his teeth. He hadn't even realized he was offering himself up until the words, “It's okay. No one will see the scars there. Please, it's okay,” had flown out of his mouth. Benny had been hesitant, but he'd done it. Dean had never felt anything like it. He felt weirdly whole. He was practically flying when Benny did it after sex.

Now he had to make a choice. Dean didn't feel like he was choosing one over the other. He felt more like he was doing something he had to to stay sane. He'd keep in contact, constantly. He wasn't abandoning anyone. He just... needed a life. Dean took a deep breath as he slung his duffle bag over his shoulder. Sam would be back from a supply run soon. 

Dean stepped out the motel room door just as Benny's pick-up pulled up outside. He climbed in as fast as he could before he could change his mind. There was a note on the bed back in the room that just said, “Call me.” 

Benny looked at him. “You sure about this?”

Dean slid across the bench seat and attacked Benny's mouth, all lips, tongue, and teeth, until he was a little breathless. When he pulled back he didn't move away, just rested his head back and put his hand on Benny's knee. Slowly, he nodded and Benny pulled out of the motel parking lot onto the highway.


End file.
